I'm wanting to not only just talk about key facts and motivational finds on this blog, but to also use it to document how I'm doing this time round in my recovery. So many times I've tried to make a 'final push' at my recovery but never seemed to see it through and I want this time to be the one where I reach more than I thought I ever could at one time because if not now then when?
So how am I doing?...Ok. Could be better but certainly could be worse and I am feel more able to keep myself moving forward and not going back to all my old ways as I have done in past attempts. I think I'm just realising now that I'm wanting so much more in life and knowing that its possible to be happy without having to be 'thin'...because I've been 'thin' and it wasn't all its cracked up to be!
This recovery has not steamed from me being at my lowest point weight wise. When I was at that point many years ago it didn't bring me any joy therefore why keep up all the anorexic rules if I'm not actually wanting to get sown to that point anymore??? Anorexia's habits and thoughts just become so automatic that its hard to break free from them even though you want to!
This particular recovery attempt is steaming from probably being at my lowest mental point. The misery of not having any good friends or a relationship. The mental stress of thinking you have to 'get in' all of 'your walks' each day even if you don't actually want to. The sheer frustration of having to deal with extreme stomach/digestion issues stopping you from living a normal life and eating what you want. Im just sick of being sick! The illness's consequences are finally rearing their head to the point of causing pain, disruption and ultimate anger! For years and years I went along in life not really enjoying it but thinking 'ill be ok, ill just deal with feeling miserable but at least ill be thin...nothing major is happening to me so ill be ok'...but its all starting to be more than 'feeling miserable' now. Shits got real! But this is why I'm working harder than i have before, this is why I'm not waiting to 'feel ready' anymore because there is no 'feel ready' moment. Its just me deciding that anorexia is not serving me in my life and me wanting to feel happiness and full health again.
Sure its not making it easy just because I now want it. But it is crucial that I know this as its me who has to do the dirty work and make it stick this time!
So again, how am I doing?...Im recovering. Real recovering.
Weight wise I have managed to make a small increase. At the moment I'm weighing myself at home once a week. I can't say how good/accurate my Mothers bathroom sales are!?!! But they are just a small indicator that I'm the right thing. Hopefully soon, I will stop the scales all together as I don't want to be fixated by them, but at the moment they are not being used in a negative way so whatever works I say!!!
It is scary that I'm slowly go up weight wise and I do admit, I'm starting to feel physical changes body wise (stomach feeling a bit more fuller) but if I think about it rationally, of course this is going to happen, it just doesn't make it any easier when it does happen!!
Food wise from today, I have added another half of a bottle of 'Ensure juice plus' which again is scary but I don't want to keep gaining an a low amount. I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that yes, I am slowly gaining without the extra half a bottle, but I want to do recovery right this time and try to boost my metabolism as much as I can and not only this but start work as soon as I can on repairs to my gut/digestion as that is one ares that has really brought on this true recovery this time round as it was unbearable to live with. Im already on such a limited diet food wise (mostly low fibres and fats) due to my digestive system being totally recked! Thats why I'm having to have the 'Ensures' because they are the easiest way for my body to process extra nutrition. I wish I could just have foods that i actually want but no. Anorexia has destroyed even this for me so for now, its on wards and upwards with the supplements and boring food!!!
I know that this won't be my last increase either, in-fact its probably still an early one even though its getting to the point were I'm feeling like I'm consuming more than I need...but thats anorexia trying to divert me back and I am wanting to go on ahead.
And as for mentally. Well I'm coming to a lot of realisations about what I need to work on and what thoughts I need to change and challenge but also some things I need to accept and find ways of dealing with in a more healthy and calm way.
A lot of these things I am yet to believe but I think that the fact I am addressing them and identifying them is defiantly a good first step to working on my mental health for the better.
But like I touched on in my last post about the importance and necessity of weight gain to recover, all of this mental work, all of the things I want to do...basically just about anything I need to do for the better and to move on needs to stem from gaining weight. I need to knuckle down and get the weight gain on. Yes I've had a increase from where I was at but there is much much more to be gained and as scary and horrible as that sounds to me, I know it essential to start living my life!
I will raise my bottle of 'Ensure' and cheers to that!!
This recovery has not steamed from me being at my lowest point weight wise. When I was at that point many years ago it didn't bring me any joy therefore why keep up all the anorexic rules if I'm not actually wanting to get sown to that point anymore??? Anorexia's habits and thoughts just become so automatic that its hard to break free from them even though you want to!
This particular recovery attempt is steaming from probably being at my lowest mental point. The misery of not having any good friends or a relationship. The mental stress of thinking you have to 'get in' all of 'your walks' each day even if you don't actually want to. The sheer frustration of having to deal with extreme stomach/digestion issues stopping you from living a normal life and eating what you want. Im just sick of being sick! The illness's consequences are finally rearing their head to the point of causing pain, disruption and ultimate anger! For years and years I went along in life not really enjoying it but thinking 'ill be ok, ill just deal with feeling miserable but at least ill be thin...nothing major is happening to me so ill be ok'...but its all starting to be more than 'feeling miserable' now. Shits got real! But this is why I'm working harder than i have before, this is why I'm not waiting to 'feel ready' anymore because there is no 'feel ready' moment. Its just me deciding that anorexia is not serving me in my life and me wanting to feel happiness and full health again.
Sure its not making it easy just because I now want it. But it is crucial that I know this as its me who has to do the dirty work and make it stick this time!
So again, how am I doing?...Im recovering. Real recovering.
Weight wise I have managed to make a small increase. At the moment I'm weighing myself at home once a week. I can't say how good/accurate my Mothers bathroom sales are!?!! But they are just a small indicator that I'm the right thing. Hopefully soon, I will stop the scales all together as I don't want to be fixated by them, but at the moment they are not being used in a negative way so whatever works I say!!!
It is scary that I'm slowly go up weight wise and I do admit, I'm starting to feel physical changes body wise (stomach feeling a bit more fuller) but if I think about it rationally, of course this is going to happen, it just doesn't make it any easier when it does happen!!
Food wise from today, I have added another half of a bottle of 'Ensure juice plus' which again is scary but I don't want to keep gaining an a low amount. I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that yes, I am slowly gaining without the extra half a bottle, but I want to do recovery right this time and try to boost my metabolism as much as I can and not only this but start work as soon as I can on repairs to my gut/digestion as that is one ares that has really brought on this true recovery this time round as it was unbearable to live with. Im already on such a limited diet food wise (mostly low fibres and fats) due to my digestive system being totally recked! Thats why I'm having to have the 'Ensures' because they are the easiest way for my body to process extra nutrition. I wish I could just have foods that i actually want but no. Anorexia has destroyed even this for me so for now, its on wards and upwards with the supplements and boring food!!!
I know that this won't be my last increase either, in-fact its probably still an early one even though its getting to the point were I'm feeling like I'm consuming more than I need...but thats anorexia trying to divert me back and I am wanting to go on ahead.
And as for mentally. Well I'm coming to a lot of realisations about what I need to work on and what thoughts I need to change and challenge but also some things I need to accept and find ways of dealing with in a more healthy and calm way.
A lot of these things I am yet to believe but I think that the fact I am addressing them and identifying them is defiantly a good first step to working on my mental health for the better.
But like I touched on in my last post about the importance and necessity of weight gain to recover, all of this mental work, all of the things I want to do...basically just about anything I need to do for the better and to move on needs to stem from gaining weight. I need to knuckle down and get the weight gain on. Yes I've had a increase from where I was at but there is much much more to be gained and as scary and horrible as that sounds to me, I know it essential to start living my life!
I will raise my bottle of 'Ensure' and cheers to that!!