My second instalment of how my days have been going recovery wise and how I'm currently feeling with it all.
The past week seems to have gone so fast and it sort of scares me how quickly time can pass you buy and how you need to absolutely make the most of each moment you have and choose to do what is best for you at that point in time! Thats something that I never even thought about years ago when all I cared about was myself and how thin I could be. I never realised how quickly time went by and looking back on my life now, I see that I literally did not use any of my time to better myself and think about what actually makes me happy or what potentially could. You could say that I did live in the moment...but it was all based on how little I could eat or how I could loose weight...not living at all.
The past week seems to have gone so fast and it sort of scares me how quickly time can pass you buy and how you need to absolutely make the most of each moment you have and choose to do what is best for you at that point in time! Thats something that I never even thought about years ago when all I cared about was myself and how thin I could be. I never realised how quickly time went by and looking back on my life now, I see that I literally did not use any of my time to better myself and think about what actually makes me happy or what potentially could. You could say that I did live in the moment...but it was all based on how little I could eat or how I could loose weight...not living at all.
Anyway, just a little thought there as I reflect on the past weeks process.
So, in the seven days that have past I have successfully managed to keep up my intake which is huge of me as I usually find that I can only make much big progress steps like that stick for a few days before panicking and reverting back to a method that in fact got me know where but felt safe. It hasn't come without its difficulties though (like starting to feel and see the balloon belly of recovery develop!) but that is a marker that it is the right thing really! If it felt safe and easy then I obviously can't call it recovery!
Having the 'ensure' drinks is such an easy way to pack in the calories which is both good and bad to deal with mentally. Its good as its great for my digestive system to get in that much calories and nutrition without having a lot of bulky food (which at this moment in time, it simply can not deal with!) which can help me gain weight easier than just having the plain diet alone...but it is also hard for my head to deal with in that its scary having so many calories consumed so quickly and easily.
Nevertheless, I can actively made the brave decision to this week step it up another gear and have the full two bottles per day to really just get on with it all and prove to myself that its recovery that I want and its recovery that ill get!!!
I personally think that I was gaining over the corse of last week, but I have not weighed myself in nearly two weeks but I plan to towards the end of this week as I do want to see how I have been doing. One day I won't weigh myself at all or at least not every week or so like I do currently, its just to see what is going on with my body at this moment in time.
With the whole 'ensure' drinks, I am getting pretty tired off them and them are incredibly sickly! Its like drinking a sweeter than sweet syrup drink overtime you have one, and the fruit flavours that they claim to be have never seen a bloody fruit! Lets just say if I was being blind folded and asked to guess the taste...fruits would be way down on the list! But although I'm sick to the back teeth of them, I know that they are doing me good and necessary for me and my situation at this current time. My digestion can not handle much fiber and fat at all and therefore these fat free and fiber free high calorie drinks seem to be the wisest decision for me if I want to really do something productive about my weight and recovery. I hope that with a bit more time and a bit more weight gain that I can be rid of them and start to have a more at my main meals and more of different foods (i.e than bloody white rice and white bread dishes!) and also have different snacks of things i actually like (hello nakd bars and pink lady apples!!). I guess in a way you could say that me wanting to be able to have what I would feel a more 'healthy' and 'varied' diet is actually a motivation for me to gain weight as without weight gain my stomach will not improve at all and repair to be fit for different foods! This is something I didn't think would ever be a recovery goal but I guess it shows me how much I have learnt about nutrition and food and how I have become so passionate about it and not just seeing it as calories that make you gain weight. I want to be able to enjoy my food again and eat to nourish my body and soul.
The past week has also lead me to seek out new inspiration from various people I keep stumbling across on social media platforms. I love finding new people who give me hope of a better life after anorexia recovery and have a strong passion from everything to health through to beauty! I am working hard to not want to 'copy' these people as such, but to gather motivation on my part to aspire to be my own version of lots of different elects from people that I look up to! There are so many different ways that people eat and exercise and I find all of them fascinating! Its all about me looking at the range that is out there and seeing what appeals to me the most and what really gives me desire to want to recover.
I only wish I hadn't messed up my up my digestion so much as I would be able to experiment and enjoy this process more. I'd be able to test out little things I am finding out from others and see if it feels right for me...but as it stands now, I just have to keep going with my low fiber diet and 'ensures' and hope to God that someday ill be able to try out what I am finding so interesting at the moment.
I can't help but mention that I have also found myself sort of feeling excited towards the prospects of recovery and what recovery will bring for me right down to the littlest things such as having nice clothes actually fitting properly and me not having to always 'hoard' clothes to 'grow into my recovery body' which I always told myself, never acted on but just told myself and got stuck in a cycle of buying clothes to big for me to 'gain into' but to just be gathering dust in a draw somewhere.
Yes I know that as i gain more the clothes that i wear now will become tighter and will need to be gotten rid of, and also there is chance that some of the clothes I have saved will actually be too small and that will be really shitty and a bitch to deal with...but I have to in order to move on. Hopefully I will feel strong enough to know that I am more than just an item of clothing and there is plenty more clothes that I can buy and get to fit the recovered body i will have. Its a long and challenging part of the process that will begin to develop more I feel in the up and coming weeks...but like I say, when I am in one of my positive mind states, it makes me excited to think how healthy I will feel physically and how I will look more like the young woman I am and look good in many different clothes!
One thing that has gotten on my nerves a little this week is in fact...my Dad. Now, my Dad is the most loving, caring and wonderful Dad any child could wish for but he does come out with the most ridiculous this sometimes when it comes to my anorexia recovery and I am left thinking/feeling if he really knows anything about the illness at all! He likes to be right you see and feels that because I am still not yet recovered that everything I say is 'the illness' when in actual fact, a lot of the time it is me. As I am discovering more about myself and trying to recovery properly, it is leading me to dig deeper into my emotions and reasons for why I do/feel certain ways about various things. I am discovering that the recovery is about gaining weight for myself and that enabling me to find, accept and love myself which require a lot hard work which unfortunately my Dad just doesn't 'get'.
As much as I love him and at times try (but fail most of the time) to explain to him what I'm doing and how I need to do it and that the things he thinks/comments to me about isn't always right, I don't think he will ever really understand the whole illness but that is ok. I am the one with it and I am the one who needs to get myself out of it not him. He will always be there for me no matter what, but I don't think he will fully understand the complexity of the illness. I do at times feel that he thinks that its all just down to gaining weight then boom!...Im cured!!...But no, a lot of hard mental discovery and work has to come too. I just hope that he will know that when I gain more and more as I do admit, I worry I will loose his support (and others) as I show physically that I am improving. I hope that I can still get the support, understanding and patience (well patience at times anyway!!!) when I have gained weight as to be honest, I have a feeling ill need just as much if not more at this point as that is what is going to be excruciatingly difficult to deal with as ill be able to feel and see more weight gain, yet still be dealing with the tough shit in my mind that people just can't see.
Mental illnesses are that, mental and I think when such physical symptoms are so predominant in the likes of anorexia, its hard for outsiders to get their heads around.
So thats how its been really. A lot of thinking, a lot of drinking (in the non alcoholic sense haha!)
Plodding onto another week of more increases and more opportunities to become closer to a life and health and wellness!
So, in the seven days that have past I have successfully managed to keep up my intake which is huge of me as I usually find that I can only make much big progress steps like that stick for a few days before panicking and reverting back to a method that in fact got me know where but felt safe. It hasn't come without its difficulties though (like starting to feel and see the balloon belly of recovery develop!) but that is a marker that it is the right thing really! If it felt safe and easy then I obviously can't call it recovery!
Having the 'ensure' drinks is such an easy way to pack in the calories which is both good and bad to deal with mentally. Its good as its great for my digestive system to get in that much calories and nutrition without having a lot of bulky food (which at this moment in time, it simply can not deal with!) which can help me gain weight easier than just having the plain diet alone...but it is also hard for my head to deal with in that its scary having so many calories consumed so quickly and easily.
Nevertheless, I can actively made the brave decision to this week step it up another gear and have the full two bottles per day to really just get on with it all and prove to myself that its recovery that I want and its recovery that ill get!!!
I personally think that I was gaining over the corse of last week, but I have not weighed myself in nearly two weeks but I plan to towards the end of this week as I do want to see how I have been doing. One day I won't weigh myself at all or at least not every week or so like I do currently, its just to see what is going on with my body at this moment in time.
With the whole 'ensure' drinks, I am getting pretty tired off them and them are incredibly sickly! Its like drinking a sweeter than sweet syrup drink overtime you have one, and the fruit flavours that they claim to be have never seen a bloody fruit! Lets just say if I was being blind folded and asked to guess the taste...fruits would be way down on the list! But although I'm sick to the back teeth of them, I know that they are doing me good and necessary for me and my situation at this current time. My digestion can not handle much fiber and fat at all and therefore these fat free and fiber free high calorie drinks seem to be the wisest decision for me if I want to really do something productive about my weight and recovery. I hope that with a bit more time and a bit more weight gain that I can be rid of them and start to have a more at my main meals and more of different foods (i.e than bloody white rice and white bread dishes!) and also have different snacks of things i actually like (hello nakd bars and pink lady apples!!). I guess in a way you could say that me wanting to be able to have what I would feel a more 'healthy' and 'varied' diet is actually a motivation for me to gain weight as without weight gain my stomach will not improve at all and repair to be fit for different foods! This is something I didn't think would ever be a recovery goal but I guess it shows me how much I have learnt about nutrition and food and how I have become so passionate about it and not just seeing it as calories that make you gain weight. I want to be able to enjoy my food again and eat to nourish my body and soul.
The past week has also lead me to seek out new inspiration from various people I keep stumbling across on social media platforms. I love finding new people who give me hope of a better life after anorexia recovery and have a strong passion from everything to health through to beauty! I am working hard to not want to 'copy' these people as such, but to gather motivation on my part to aspire to be my own version of lots of different elects from people that I look up to! There are so many different ways that people eat and exercise and I find all of them fascinating! Its all about me looking at the range that is out there and seeing what appeals to me the most and what really gives me desire to want to recover.
I only wish I hadn't messed up my up my digestion so much as I would be able to experiment and enjoy this process more. I'd be able to test out little things I am finding out from others and see if it feels right for me...but as it stands now, I just have to keep going with my low fiber diet and 'ensures' and hope to God that someday ill be able to try out what I am finding so interesting at the moment.
I can't help but mention that I have also found myself sort of feeling excited towards the prospects of recovery and what recovery will bring for me right down to the littlest things such as having nice clothes actually fitting properly and me not having to always 'hoard' clothes to 'grow into my recovery body' which I always told myself, never acted on but just told myself and got stuck in a cycle of buying clothes to big for me to 'gain into' but to just be gathering dust in a draw somewhere.
Yes I know that as i gain more the clothes that i wear now will become tighter and will need to be gotten rid of, and also there is chance that some of the clothes I have saved will actually be too small and that will be really shitty and a bitch to deal with...but I have to in order to move on. Hopefully I will feel strong enough to know that I am more than just an item of clothing and there is plenty more clothes that I can buy and get to fit the recovered body i will have. Its a long and challenging part of the process that will begin to develop more I feel in the up and coming weeks...but like I say, when I am in one of my positive mind states, it makes me excited to think how healthy I will feel physically and how I will look more like the young woman I am and look good in many different clothes!
One thing that has gotten on my nerves a little this week is in fact...my Dad. Now, my Dad is the most loving, caring and wonderful Dad any child could wish for but he does come out with the most ridiculous this sometimes when it comes to my anorexia recovery and I am left thinking/feeling if he really knows anything about the illness at all! He likes to be right you see and feels that because I am still not yet recovered that everything I say is 'the illness' when in actual fact, a lot of the time it is me. As I am discovering more about myself and trying to recovery properly, it is leading me to dig deeper into my emotions and reasons for why I do/feel certain ways about various things. I am discovering that the recovery is about gaining weight for myself and that enabling me to find, accept and love myself which require a lot hard work which unfortunately my Dad just doesn't 'get'.
As much as I love him and at times try (but fail most of the time) to explain to him what I'm doing and how I need to do it and that the things he thinks/comments to me about isn't always right, I don't think he will ever really understand the whole illness but that is ok. I am the one with it and I am the one who needs to get myself out of it not him. He will always be there for me no matter what, but I don't think he will fully understand the complexity of the illness. I do at times feel that he thinks that its all just down to gaining weight then boom!...Im cured!!...But no, a lot of hard mental discovery and work has to come too. I just hope that he will know that when I gain more and more as I do admit, I worry I will loose his support (and others) as I show physically that I am improving. I hope that I can still get the support, understanding and patience (well patience at times anyway!!!) when I have gained weight as to be honest, I have a feeling ill need just as much if not more at this point as that is what is going to be excruciatingly difficult to deal with as ill be able to feel and see more weight gain, yet still be dealing with the tough shit in my mind that people just can't see.
Mental illnesses are that, mental and I think when such physical symptoms are so predominant in the likes of anorexia, its hard for outsiders to get their heads around.
So thats how its been really. A lot of thinking, a lot of drinking (in the non alcoholic sense haha!)
Plodding onto another week of more increases and more opportunities to become closer to a life and health and wellness!