The recovery process is well and truly underway in my 'neck of the woods'. I am getting into the zone for real this time and I have no intention of pulling out! The days have come with their fair share of difficulties as would be excepted...but I don't know, I just feel different this time you know?? I feel so 'thirsty' for exciting things in life which I can not have with anorexia in full power and leading such a monotonous life not really going anywhere. The prospect of a better life in all areas - health, independence, joy, relationships, career they are all things which I know care more about and therefore starting to match up to the wants anorexia has had for me for so long and rivalling these!
The very fact that I am starting to think more like this tells me that I want to recovery and recover for myself now which is so so important. Its like I'm having to learn again...learn pretty much everything again and let me tell you, this is no easy task and therefore the want to do it for myself has had to come or at least started to rear its head (still along way to go in terms of self belief/love but the seed has been planted).
Everyday I am trying to learn more about self acceptance, being true to yourself and finding out who you really are honestly and openly in all areas of life.
I think I used to think that being true to yourself and self-love was a sign of being 'big-headed' and selfish, but now I see that this couldn't be further from the truth. If you really know who you are, what your beliefs are and your true passions then this will get you far because whatever you face in life, you will be more likely to cope in a positive way due to not being influenced negatively by anyone or anything. Now this is such an absolute mission to do!! But being aware of it and understanding it and most importantly wanting it, is the first step to getting there. This is were I would say I'm at. Ive acknowledged it, but now its time to act on it and explore these new ways of viewing myself and my life attitudes.
I don't think I ever really knew who I was before I got anorexia and I defiantly didn't all through the near to eleven years having it, but now is the time. Now is the time to discover who LUCY really is and stay true to this person who has been possessed by anorexia for so long.
Diet and digestion wise... :-/ meh! ...Its just no fun at all. I have stuck to my guns of having two 'ensure' supplements a day on top of the foods I can already tolerate. However, since two days ago I tried to add in 1/2 an apple (because apples with their skin and all are tricker digesting on my weak system). I love apples, especially the 'pink lady' verity and I want to have the foods I actually like so thought I would give it a try...Well...I don't know if it was the 1/2 apple or what but today I've encountered...lets just say 'issues' first thing and they were similar to when my 'issues' were at their worst when I didn't know that the high fiber and relivatvly higher fat diet was causing such extreme, miserable and damn right life debilitating issues. :-(
I mean, maybe it wasn't the 1/2 apple...its only 1/2 a bloody apple!! But then again I have really screwed up my bodies digestion, so maybe this is my punishment and boy am I feeling it!
Now that I am wanting so badly to recover, I would do anything to be able to eat exactly what I want and not have to stick to such a 'low residue' diet and also feeling so full all the time with extreme, unpredictable digestive issues pretty much all of the time. I hate it! I hate it so much and I am so mad that the anorexia had caused this to happen to me. Hence why I am literally doing all I can right now with the drinks. I just want to function healthy again and not worry about it.
Most cases of anorexia leave the person with some sort of health issue...I thought I had skipped that and it didn't 'scare' me with anything...but oh how I was wrong. The digestive issues is defiantly something major it has left me with and I sincerely hope that it can be reversed and I can 're-correct it'. Please body! Please!!!
Weighed myself on my Mums bathroom scales and to be honest, I don't think they are a great measure of accuracy! They are they kind of sales that read three different readings in the space of one minute! But they are all I have to use right now and like I've said, I'm not 'obsessed' with using them, they are just a 'tool' to guide me and what I am eating...but they are proving to be a bit unreliable to say the least.
Been ordering some new clothes from eBay too so that have 'loose' and 'comfy' fitting clothes at the ready for my changing body. Its hard to feel your clothes getting that little bit tighter, especially around the stomach area. But I am mentally preparing myself for it all this time, unlike my recovery attempts before when I was not so educated on the changes that happen to your body when you are recovering. I have never stayed in recovery long enough to know if the weight will redistribute evenly, but from what I have heard and read, it appears like it does for most so I am crossing my fingers (and everything else!) that it does as my stomach was one major factor that distressed me so so much in previous recovery attempts and the main area I wanted to loose weight from in the first place all those years ago. Its is my most conscious area of my body that I stress about. Again, only time will tell if this will also get better. There is a common link here in all things recovery...waiting it out and having patience that the hard efforts your doing now are going to pay off even if it doesn't seem like it now...it is seeming that way for pretty much everything.
This week has also brought the two year anniversary of my graduation! Two years ago today I was collecting my BA Hons in Acting! Most people don't actually know that I have this degree, possibly because I have not had any acting jobs or involved in anything like that now...but the truth is (and I'm not going to go into it all because it deserves a separate post!) Acting is not my purpose, destiny or passion. Its served its purpose to keep me going in terms of giving me something to 'do' that want anorexia...but deep down I know that I don't want to have a career in it and yes some could say I wasted this time and there was no point getting this degree, but no degree is wasted and if it just kept my head afloat for a period of time then surely it was a good thing. Anyway, just wanted to address that it has been two years and oh how they have flown by!!!
In this present week I want to really aim to work on my 'sitting' or lack of it habit and walking habit. I am in a better position with my diet and I am keeping in the supplements and slowly upping food, so now I am wanting to get my obsession with constantly wanting to stand, move and do some sort of activity under control. Its something I've struggled with for ages and I feel that its now or never to work on it now. I need to be kind and patient with myself and just accept that I need to work on all areas of recovery in order to make is real and successful.
Consistency and persistency is the key here!
Everyday I am trying to learn more about self acceptance, being true to yourself and finding out who you really are honestly and openly in all areas of life.
I think I used to think that being true to yourself and self-love was a sign of being 'big-headed' and selfish, but now I see that this couldn't be further from the truth. If you really know who you are, what your beliefs are and your true passions then this will get you far because whatever you face in life, you will be more likely to cope in a positive way due to not being influenced negatively by anyone or anything. Now this is such an absolute mission to do!! But being aware of it and understanding it and most importantly wanting it, is the first step to getting there. This is were I would say I'm at. Ive acknowledged it, but now its time to act on it and explore these new ways of viewing myself and my life attitudes.
I don't think I ever really knew who I was before I got anorexia and I defiantly didn't all through the near to eleven years having it, but now is the time. Now is the time to discover who LUCY really is and stay true to this person who has been possessed by anorexia for so long.
Diet and digestion wise... :-/ meh! ...Its just no fun at all. I have stuck to my guns of having two 'ensure' supplements a day on top of the foods I can already tolerate. However, since two days ago I tried to add in 1/2 an apple (because apples with their skin and all are tricker digesting on my weak system). I love apples, especially the 'pink lady' verity and I want to have the foods I actually like so thought I would give it a try...Well...I don't know if it was the 1/2 apple or what but today I've encountered...lets just say 'issues' first thing and they were similar to when my 'issues' were at their worst when I didn't know that the high fiber and relivatvly higher fat diet was causing such extreme, miserable and damn right life debilitating issues. :-(
I mean, maybe it wasn't the 1/2 apple...its only 1/2 a bloody apple!! But then again I have really screwed up my bodies digestion, so maybe this is my punishment and boy am I feeling it!
Now that I am wanting so badly to recover, I would do anything to be able to eat exactly what I want and not have to stick to such a 'low residue' diet and also feeling so full all the time with extreme, unpredictable digestive issues pretty much all of the time. I hate it! I hate it so much and I am so mad that the anorexia had caused this to happen to me. Hence why I am literally doing all I can right now with the drinks. I just want to function healthy again and not worry about it.
Most cases of anorexia leave the person with some sort of health issue...I thought I had skipped that and it didn't 'scare' me with anything...but oh how I was wrong. The digestive issues is defiantly something major it has left me with and I sincerely hope that it can be reversed and I can 're-correct it'. Please body! Please!!!
Weighed myself on my Mums bathroom scales and to be honest, I don't think they are a great measure of accuracy! They are they kind of sales that read three different readings in the space of one minute! But they are all I have to use right now and like I've said, I'm not 'obsessed' with using them, they are just a 'tool' to guide me and what I am eating...but they are proving to be a bit unreliable to say the least.
Been ordering some new clothes from eBay too so that have 'loose' and 'comfy' fitting clothes at the ready for my changing body. Its hard to feel your clothes getting that little bit tighter, especially around the stomach area. But I am mentally preparing myself for it all this time, unlike my recovery attempts before when I was not so educated on the changes that happen to your body when you are recovering. I have never stayed in recovery long enough to know if the weight will redistribute evenly, but from what I have heard and read, it appears like it does for most so I am crossing my fingers (and everything else!) that it does as my stomach was one major factor that distressed me so so much in previous recovery attempts and the main area I wanted to loose weight from in the first place all those years ago. Its is my most conscious area of my body that I stress about. Again, only time will tell if this will also get better. There is a common link here in all things recovery...waiting it out and having patience that the hard efforts your doing now are going to pay off even if it doesn't seem like it now...it is seeming that way for pretty much everything.
This week has also brought the two year anniversary of my graduation! Two years ago today I was collecting my BA Hons in Acting! Most people don't actually know that I have this degree, possibly because I have not had any acting jobs or involved in anything like that now...but the truth is (and I'm not going to go into it all because it deserves a separate post!) Acting is not my purpose, destiny or passion. Its served its purpose to keep me going in terms of giving me something to 'do' that want anorexia...but deep down I know that I don't want to have a career in it and yes some could say I wasted this time and there was no point getting this degree, but no degree is wasted and if it just kept my head afloat for a period of time then surely it was a good thing. Anyway, just wanted to address that it has been two years and oh how they have flown by!!!
In this present week I want to really aim to work on my 'sitting' or lack of it habit and walking habit. I am in a better position with my diet and I am keeping in the supplements and slowly upping food, so now I am wanting to get my obsession with constantly wanting to stand, move and do some sort of activity under control. Its something I've struggled with for ages and I feel that its now or never to work on it now. I need to be kind and patient with myself and just accept that I need to work on all areas of recovery in order to make is real and successful.
Consistency and persistency is the key here!