Anorexia is not just as 'clear cut' as wanting to be skinny. Yes it may feel this way at times, but this want, even if your not aware of it has most likely stemmed from a deeper reason/meaning. It could be a strong personality trait, past experience that had an effect on you or a coping mechanism for something in your life. These and many, many more reasons are the true catalyst of the illness.
The want, desire and sheer determination to be thin/loose weight are major factors of the illness though and this part is extremely hard to let go of, particularly in the world we live in today where it seems thinness, weight loss and 'skinny' are what is looked upon as being 'in' and popular.
For such a long time I could never seem to be able to work out what caused my anorexia as like I just touched on, anorexia is more than just a diet to become skinny. I could not pin point what exactly was the root cause of it all and often I thought it was just a mere desire to want to look thin so I could be looked upon as popular and what other would want to look like. I didn't want to be the one falling behind when I saw other joining the 'diet' clan, I wanted to show that I was good at something and I thought that something was loosing weight and sticking with it! I wanted to be the envy of others (now I know that it was never 'envied' over and only left me with the complete opposite results) as I felt I wasn't really 'the best' at anything else. I was always just the 'medico' at most things academically speaking.
Looking back now (I do this a lot! haha!) I still can't say 100% that I know what the root cause of my anorexia was/is and perhaps I never will be certain...but I think for me it comes down to more of a 'predisposed personality' thing (very technical term there!!!). I had the mentality of having to be loved and admired by everyone else when really I needed to have love for myself and work on developing that. I spent too long thinking, all that mattered was what people thought I looked like and how I could get the most admiration from people, when really I hadn't 'found' the real me yet or even thought about who I really wanted to be.
All of my validation was coming from people thinking I was good at being thin and being so strict diet wise. The...'difficult' society we are in often makes it seem that way and me being how I was (not having any self acceptance at such a vulnerable age) made it easy to get caught up in a lot of mental battles...thus leading to a mental illness. (Just a quick note though, I am not saying everyone who is like how I was growing up will be destined for a mental illness, this was just me personally).
I don't think I will ever be able to say for sure what caused my anorexia but as i work more and more on my real recovery this time and learning to accept myself, I can see how there were various traits, thought patterns and 'self esteem issues' that were going on without me actually knowing they were going on!!...If you get me ;-)
Although most of my years with anorexia have been focused around wanting to be thin and feeling that is what looks good, it of course wasn't as simple as that. Anorexia is not glamorous or 'this thing that makes you a film star/model' at all! Its is such a million miles away from anything like that and it doesn't bring you the very things you think it will. It only brings pain, torture and misery into ones life in more ways than just one. And that is nothing to be envious about!
As I now try to overcome this illness and fight for recovery, I do (and will) face a lot of moments where I struggle to reason with myself as to why I want to give up and let go of my want to be thin. But that is all part of the mental grip the illness puts on you and the task is to see it for what it really is lies, misery and a trap you thought was going to be something good...but was the complete opposite and start challenging it and believing that there is something better out there, even if you still don't 100% want to let go of anorexia. I am starting to realise that there is never going to be a defiant point of wanting to let go, you just have to want it a little or even have moments of want and take it from there.
Im working so hard at the moment to try and make my life into something it hasn't been for a long, long time...maybe even ever and that place is one of happiness and a life more than the falseness and damn right ugliness of anorexia.
For such a long time I could never seem to be able to work out what caused my anorexia as like I just touched on, anorexia is more than just a diet to become skinny. I could not pin point what exactly was the root cause of it all and often I thought it was just a mere desire to want to look thin so I could be looked upon as popular and what other would want to look like. I didn't want to be the one falling behind when I saw other joining the 'diet' clan, I wanted to show that I was good at something and I thought that something was loosing weight and sticking with it! I wanted to be the envy of others (now I know that it was never 'envied' over and only left me with the complete opposite results) as I felt I wasn't really 'the best' at anything else. I was always just the 'medico' at most things academically speaking.
Looking back now (I do this a lot! haha!) I still can't say 100% that I know what the root cause of my anorexia was/is and perhaps I never will be certain...but I think for me it comes down to more of a 'predisposed personality' thing (very technical term there!!!). I had the mentality of having to be loved and admired by everyone else when really I needed to have love for myself and work on developing that. I spent too long thinking, all that mattered was what people thought I looked like and how I could get the most admiration from people, when really I hadn't 'found' the real me yet or even thought about who I really wanted to be.
All of my validation was coming from people thinking I was good at being thin and being so strict diet wise. The...'difficult' society we are in often makes it seem that way and me being how I was (not having any self acceptance at such a vulnerable age) made it easy to get caught up in a lot of mental battles...thus leading to a mental illness. (Just a quick note though, I am not saying everyone who is like how I was growing up will be destined for a mental illness, this was just me personally).
I don't think I will ever be able to say for sure what caused my anorexia but as i work more and more on my real recovery this time and learning to accept myself, I can see how there were various traits, thought patterns and 'self esteem issues' that were going on without me actually knowing they were going on!!...If you get me ;-)
Although most of my years with anorexia have been focused around wanting to be thin and feeling that is what looks good, it of course wasn't as simple as that. Anorexia is not glamorous or 'this thing that makes you a film star/model' at all! Its is such a million miles away from anything like that and it doesn't bring you the very things you think it will. It only brings pain, torture and misery into ones life in more ways than just one. And that is nothing to be envious about!
As I now try to overcome this illness and fight for recovery, I do (and will) face a lot of moments where I struggle to reason with myself as to why I want to give up and let go of my want to be thin. But that is all part of the mental grip the illness puts on you and the task is to see it for what it really is lies, misery and a trap you thought was going to be something good...but was the complete opposite and start challenging it and believing that there is something better out there, even if you still don't 100% want to let go of anorexia. I am starting to realise that there is never going to be a defiant point of wanting to let go, you just have to want it a little or even have moments of want and take it from there.
Im working so hard at the moment to try and make my life into something it hasn't been for a long, long time...maybe even ever and that place is one of happiness and a life more than the falseness and damn right ugliness of anorexia.