The past week in England has been absolutely glorious weather wise. The sun has been beaming down on us all and lighting up what has felt like a never ending damp and dark place. I do think a little shot of sun can do wonders to not only the environment but us as people. I will be the first to admit that I'm more of a winter girl with all the 'cosyness' and festivity feelings (well the first half of winter any how!) but when the country you live in is pretty much wet and dull for the majority of the year, its good to have a burst of sunshine to mix it all up a bit. Its is summer after all!
Aside from trying to get my fair share of vitamin D, the week has been steady yet stable. I have stuck to my increases and...dare I say it out loud (well type it out loud!!) I have manage to make a small but decent weight gain (according to those somewhat 'dogey' bathroom scales of my mothers). Nevertheless it is a gain and a step in the right direction. I can start to feel the weight coming on me as my stomach feels a little more fleshy and it is starting to feel like I am 'expecting' due to the bloating and it all heading to that part before any other part. I think my face is a little fuller too. Again I hope as time goes on these areas won't feel as 'full' and I will have a more even distribution. The tough part is, knowing that this is only after a small gain and more weight on me will only make these areas even bigger :-( Its something which I am dreading and hate seeing and feeling yet I know this time I have to grin and bare it if I want to have any chance of seeing the there side of it all and making a proper recovery. It is still early days yet and more weight gain will defiantly make things a lot harder (even harder than things are now and they are bloody tough!) but going back is not even an option for me anymore. Its now or never.
A positive side of this increased intake has been the introduction of a bit more real food and variety for the first time in a while in place of one of my 'ensure' supplement drinks. A short time after I added in a second supplement drink I was noticing that I was having ....bowel issues even though I could tell I was gaining weight and my calories were on the up side. After ponding over it for a good while I made the decision to replace one of the drinks with food in a hope to in a way...well lets just say, give my digestion a little more of something to work with. I didn't want to reduce the calories that I had worked so hard to increase to so I kept in one 'ensure' that I ad in two parts and also add in some sort of snack with each of them. I finally took the chance with my digestion to have some of the thing I used to love like 'nakd' bar, flapjacks etc. Its still early days but I am keeping them in and hoping that my stomach will get used to them as I continue to gain and restore my health. In a way, being able to eat more of the kind of diet I actually want to again is motivating me to want to get back to my healthy weight. I have gotten over a lot of 'fear foods, from eating the low fiber, processed foods I had to (and still have to) for the sake of my poor digestion, but really I would like to be eating a little more healthy - having more fruit, veg and whole foods as well as still keeping in some of the processed foods as I don't want to get to 'orthorexic' again as I discussed in last weeks post on what the hell is healthy to eat these days??!!
Its all still a tricky area really in regards to my digestion, but I am determined to get it right and to do that I know its a case of getting myself healthy.
A positive side of this increased intake has been the introduction of a bit more real food and variety for the first time in a while in place of one of my 'ensure' supplement drinks. A short time after I added in a second supplement drink I was noticing that I was having ....bowel issues even though I could tell I was gaining weight and my calories were on the up side. After ponding over it for a good while I made the decision to replace one of the drinks with food in a hope to in a way...well lets just say, give my digestion a little more of something to work with. I didn't want to reduce the calories that I had worked so hard to increase to so I kept in one 'ensure' that I ad in two parts and also add in some sort of snack with each of them. I finally took the chance with my digestion to have some of the thing I used to love like 'nakd' bar, flapjacks etc. Its still early days but I am keeping them in and hoping that my stomach will get used to them as I continue to gain and restore my health. In a way, being able to eat more of the kind of diet I actually want to again is motivating me to want to get back to my healthy weight. I have gotten over a lot of 'fear foods, from eating the low fiber, processed foods I had to (and still have to) for the sake of my poor digestion, but really I would like to be eating a little more healthy - having more fruit, veg and whole foods as well as still keeping in some of the processed foods as I don't want to get to 'orthorexic' again as I discussed in last weeks post on what the hell is healthy to eat these days??!!
Its all still a tricky area really in regards to my digestion, but I am determined to get it right and to do that I know its a case of getting myself healthy.
The past week also brought with it a two year mark of me graduating with my degree in Acting.
Although I went through the whole long and hard process of getting my degree, I no longer feel that acting is what I was meant to do and it doesn't fill me with drive and passion. There was a place for it at the time as looking back I feel that it gave me something to focus on and engage in apart from my eating disorder. I did acting from a young age, but I never really knew why I liked it and only really wanted to do it because I liked the idea of being in films and all the fame (oh how the young brain is so naive!). Before I could really think for myself about what I wanted from life/what I truly enjoyed and was interested in, my eating disorder unfortunately took over and stopped me from developing these kinds of things. Therefore I guess I just stuck at acting as what I thought to be my main interest...even though it was just me falsely clinging to something. It has had its benefits though as when performing I found it to be a form of escapism as I was playing somebody different, somebody who didn't have issues with food, weight or exercise and I could use portraying various characters as a way to forget about my own worries for a while. I could also use it to express my thought and emotions as I could create stories and characters that were not myself but reflected the hardships of what I was going through but not having to be myself.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my acting training in any way. Going off to university and living far away from home for 3 full years really did teach me a lot and also put me in situations where I had to meet new people and be forced to leave my comfort zone. Although now I sort of wish I had done a different degree, one I am truly more passionate about like something in nutrition, mental health or even something that could help enhance blogging and getting my experience out there, I will never forget those three years and the bloody hard work that went into them! Let me tell you, a BA Hons degree in Acting is no easy ride and anyone that says performing art degree's are not 'proper degrees' and 'easy' ...well i'd like to see yo try!
Off to fight another week in my recovery journey. Its getting tougher now and I know a lot more is to come. But all I can do is ride through it and make the best of what I can.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my acting training in any way. Going off to university and living far away from home for 3 full years really did teach me a lot and also put me in situations where I had to meet new people and be forced to leave my comfort zone. Although now I sort of wish I had done a different degree, one I am truly more passionate about like something in nutrition, mental health or even something that could help enhance blogging and getting my experience out there, I will never forget those three years and the bloody hard work that went into them! Let me tell you, a BA Hons degree in Acting is no easy ride and anyone that says performing art degree's are not 'proper degrees' and 'easy' ...well i'd like to see yo try!
Off to fight another week in my recovery journey. Its getting tougher now and I know a lot more is to come. But all I can do is ride through it and make the best of what I can.
Let me know how your week is going! And if there are any obstacles you are facing head on! ;-)